Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
