I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
