Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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