I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
