My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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