I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
