do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
