You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
