I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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