Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
