Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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