just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
