i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
