i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
