Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
