Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
