Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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