he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
