Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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