Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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