matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
