If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
