My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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