im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
