I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
