This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
