my phone needs a breathalizer
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
