I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
