if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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