he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
