I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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