My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
