I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
