I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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