I hate all girls vehemently.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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