I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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