So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
