in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
