apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The adults are the big ones right?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
