He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
