Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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