I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
