3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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