He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
