I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
