we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
