So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
