Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
