Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
