I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
